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905 days ago
Correct me if I am wrong, here … but I truly believe that Wal-Mart is one of the top three saddest places on Earth. Oh, I know some of you bleeding hearts may bring up Uganda or possibly the DMV, but overall … I’ve never been more depressed as I am when I walk out of Wal-Mart. Have you seen these people? Not only the clientele, but the employees themselves have this aura of desperation clinging to them like a sticky film. It’s a never ending stream of depression and hopelessness. I can almost imagine them all walking around saying, “Oh God. This is my life. Help me.” It’s just sad. My mom and I were wandering around in Wal-Mart one day. We had actually gone in to make ONE purchase, and not spend $120 on crap, as we are known to do. We were buying yoga mats. We had recently decided to take up yoga together and this was right after our first class. With our newfound enthusiasm for fitness, we darted straight for Wal-Mart on our way out ...
1050 days ago
So, my toilet seat broke. I could blame my fat ass, or my roommate’s fat ass, but I think I’d rather just blame it on the ten-year-old toilet seat. For some reason, purchasing a new toilet seat is a humiliating experience. I’m not sure why this is. Everyone uses them. Well, everyone I know, anyway, but I live in a suburb of Boston , not in the back woods of Kentucky . (I have no fear of insulting anyone here. I mean, if you don’t have a toilet, odds are you probably don’t have a computer either. I’m just saying.) So, I wandered around Wal-Mart, for God knows how long, looking for the toilet seat section. Never in recent memory having actually purchased a toilet seat, I had no idea where to look for them. 45 minutes (and $80 worth of merchandise) later I ultimately found them in the “Bathroom Décor” section, which confused me. Placement in this section seemed to imply that a toilet seat is merely a decorative ...
1069 days ago
Have you ever watched those infomercials? You know the ones that are trying to sell you the bigger and better version of something you have been doing simply your whole life? Like, remember when that spaghetti pot came out? The one with the lid that has holes in it and clamps to the pot, so you can drain your spaghetti with no muss and no fuss? There’s an ad out now that features some plexi-glass box type thing with a blade on the top of it. You apparently slam the lid down on whatever you want to chop and/or dice and there you have it! A plexi-glass box full of chopped whatever! Have you ever noticed in these commercials that whenever they show someone doing things the old way, they always show some mentally deficient reject chopping off her own finger or spilling boiling hot water all over herself? All of a sudden, cutting your own potatoes is “dangerous”, and draining your own spaghetti is ...
1076 days ago
You know that phrase “Step on a crack, Break your mother’s back”? That phrase has been haunting my existence since childhood. Here’s the thing: I never step on cracks. I mean, I try not to be a weirdo about it, but I really make a conscious effort to not step on them. People walking with me wouldn’t know that I am doing it, but I know. Cobblestones can cause a near panic attack, if I let them. Then I start to wonder, what about all the times I was not paying attention, or I was, say, engrossed in a conversation while walking? At those times, I could potentially be standing right on a crack. My poor mother might be writhing on a floor somewhere in agony because of my poor timing and foot placement. And the funny thing about it all is that my mother actually has back issues. I can’t help but feel a little guilty about that. I’ve gone about seeking the ...
1082 days ago
I don't know if you know this, but if you use the word "I" in a college English paper, it is mandatory that the professor cut off your hands and kick you in the stomach. Do you have any idea how difficult that is for me, the constant blogger? Using "one" or "we" just doesn't feel the same. I love to project myself right in there and babble about what I think and feel, as if the reader really gives a shit. I realized today that I am just not cut out to be a scholar, what with all that tedious research and monotonous translating and so on and what not. A professor of mine was talking about that stuff today, and I got exhausted just listening to him. All I could think was, “BORING!” I also don't like removing myself from the writing as if I had nothing to do with it. I feel that everything I do needs an injection of Anchra into it. It just makes everything so much more fun. That whole scholastic life is for ...
